sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
