Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
