I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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