he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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