she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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