My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Come on in and take your pants off
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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