Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Randomize
