I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
