Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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