So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
