as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
