I could have mohawked her pubes.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
