I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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