I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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