i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
