she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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