I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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