I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
