Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
