It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
