he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
