I CAN MOONWALK!
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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