someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
