nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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