He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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