Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
