you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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