If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
