Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We are two peas in an std pod
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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