The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
