Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
