I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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