Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
