I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
