Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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