Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
