perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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