Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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