Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
