Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
