Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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