Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
