i already hear my dad disowning me
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We need to rekindle our bromance
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
