I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
