Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
