sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
P.S. I can't hear my feet
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
