I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
