I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
