I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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