My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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