and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
