I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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